Domestic/Relationship Violence: When You Protect a Liar, YOU Are Labeled One Yourself

Friday, March 19, 2010

When You Protect a Liar, YOU Are Labeled One Yourself

Things were still on a roller coaster for me. One day, we were up, the next we were down.

To make matters even worse, the bank manager told me that she didn't want my boyfriend waiting in the lobby for me after work. He needed to wait outside. She may have been afraid of him. Can't really say I blame her.

One Friday afternoon at work, a lady came into the bank and said that she had been victimized. Someone had forged her name to a debit from her account, and it went through my teller window. It had my initials on it. It was also signed by the bank assistant manager. We went back through all of the steps of everything that happened, and I remembered that I did check the signature against the signature card, and it didn't match. I told the asst. manager, and he told me to do it anyway, and he signed the debit. Well, guess who got blamed?

A policeman came in, too me in an office and questioned me. I said that if I had $1,000, wouldn't I have fixed my car? Would I be walking everywhere or riding on the back of a motorcycle?

No one believed me. No one except him.

I was very upset about all of this over the weekend, and when I went back to work on Tuesday, one of the HR guys from the main office came and called me in the office.

And no one stood up for me. And I got fired.

I got fired for something I didn't do. I wish they would have fired me for something I actually did. Like call in sick when I wasn't. I wasn't very responsible back then, but I certainly didn't steal money. (Just a side note, there was talk later that the asst. manager got fired for money missing from the vault, but I don't know if that was true...)

I couldn't find a job, either. Tell a prospective employer that story, and it will not get you a job. I was honest. Honesty didn't get me very far. I even went so far as to talk to an attorney about what happened, but it wouldn't have been worth it to pursue it... my word against theirs.

And, as I said, no one stood up for me, except him and his family. Don't you know that pushed me further into his arms than I was before! He was very angry at the bank for what they did to me. Strange... he treated me badly, but he was the only one allowed to treat me like that?

It was a downhill ride, and I was going at breakneck speed.

When you think that it can't really get much worse than this, just watch.

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Did You Know That....

(I have found out this information from a variety of sources)

Three to four million women are beaten each year in the United States and is the leading cause of injury to women between the ages of 15 and 44.

Approximately 5% of victims of spousal abuse are men.

You should have a safety plan if you are in an abusive relationship. This is different for each person, but it's your plan on how you are going to protect yourself, your kids, etc. You can use this website: http://www.aardvarc.com/. They also have some great information.

Use the google search for "Power and Control Wheel." There are many things that abusive people use to exercise power and control over others. These include: using coercion and threats, intimidation, emotional abuse, isolation, minimizing, denying and blaming others, using children, male priviledge, economic abuse." They are so well explained in the wheel. There is also an "Equality Wheel." This explains what good and healthy relationships should be. These include negotiation and fairness, responsible parenting, economic partnership, non-threatening behavior, trust and support, respect, honesty and accountability, shared responsibility.

The cycle of abuse usually happens in three stages. In the tension building stage, it's really about a lack of self-control. Minor things might happen, such as verbal abuse. The next stage is a serious incident where the abuser becomes overwhelmed with rage and again, loses control. The last stage is the honeymoon stage, where he says he'll change, he's sorry, he'll never do it again. There are many things that take place for each person in each stage of abuse.

There are four psychological stages of Battered Women Syndrome. Denial, guilt, enlightenment, and responsibility for her life.

Again, if you are going through any abuse, please contact your local shelter or the national domestic violence hotline.

More from Me...

Have you ever heard of Tracey Thurman? Her true story of Domestic Violence was horrific, and it was made into a movie. It's called "A Cry for Help: The Tracey Thurman Story." Nancy McKeon is in it, and I've only seen bits and pieces of it. It is powerful and sets you a little on edge. (1989)

Of course, I'm sure you've heard of "Sleeping With the Enemy" with Julia Roberts. Even though it isn't based on a real story (that I know of), it's powerful and emotional, too. (1991)

I don't know if it's true, but have you heard of "Rule of Thumb?" It meant that a wife was subject to her husband, and he could beat her if the object was no longer than his thumb. I've heard it's true, and I've heard it's a myth...

Sisterhood

If you have found my blog, you are either interested in Domestic Violence prevention, have been through an abusive relationship, are going through an abusive relationship, or know someone who is going through one and needs some help.

All of the details of our journeys are different, but the basic outline is the same... you meet someone, he seems great, he begins possessing you, he cuts you off from friends and family, he blames you when abuse occurs, he claims that he loves you and wants you to forgive him when it happens, he swears it will never happen again, things are okay for a while, and then the cycle starts over again.

Where do you go? Who do you trust? What can you do?

There are so many places out there for women to go, but not all of them will be beneficial to you and your situation. However, after working at a shelter, I do know there are people out there who are very concerned for the well-being of abused women and children. If you or someone you know needs help, please call your local domestic violence hotline. They will be able to point you in the right direction.

For all of us who bear the scars of relationship violence, we are a Sisterhood, and we will survive.