Domestic/Relationship Violence: Some insight on hindsight

Wednesday, March 3, 2010

Some insight on hindsight

Writing and then reading what I've already written is really interesting. I wish I knew then what I know today! I can see the slippery slope so CLEARLY today. There were all these warning signs, these great big red flashing signs that were right in front of me, and I walked right into them...they swallowed me up. And every single time I walked into a warning sign, I got deeper and deeper into the hollow place of this fake relationship.

Now I say that if you see yourself in any circumstances like this, there is only one thing you can do. RUN! RUN FAST! Run as far as you can in the opposite direction.

And if you are reading this as a parent, I feel for you. I know what I went through with my parents, and how much it hurt them to watch while I was destroying my own life, and there was nothing they could do about it. I wouldn't listen to them, and even if they did talk to me, I just pushed them further and further away. See, I didn't want to be wrong on my first major decision. I think that may have been part of my problem; it was PRIDE.

And I think part of the reason I stayed with him was because I didn't want to admit to myself that I was wrong about him, too. He was not this knight in shining armor, coming to take me away to some neverland fantasy far, far away. He was acting as a snake, a viper, a destroyer, an enemy of mine. Seriously, an enemy.

He didn't care for my well-being. He only was concerned about what I could do for him and how that would benefit his life. I guess he was willing to "put up" with me because of all of the good I brought to his life..... LOL!

It is so strange. When you know someone in this situation, if you tell her to leave, she'll stay longer. If you tell her he's no good for her, she'll become more of an advocate for him. So, you, as a friend or family member, here's what I say to you.

You can't make someone do something. You can pray and be there. And when she calls because she needs someone to talk to, you can listen and give a dv hotline number, a friend to lean on, but you cannot make her do anything. Because if you push her to leave him, she'll go running back as fast as she left. She'll call it a temporary lapse and say she loves him and can't live without him.

I know because "she" was me. So, if you are reading this, please take these things into consideration. Again, all details of the situations are different, but the basic outline is the same.

And onto another chapter in our story.

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Did You Know That....

(I have found out this information from a variety of sources)

Three to four million women are beaten each year in the United States and is the leading cause of injury to women between the ages of 15 and 44.

Approximately 5% of victims of spousal abuse are men.

You should have a safety plan if you are in an abusive relationship. This is different for each person, but it's your plan on how you are going to protect yourself, your kids, etc. You can use this website: http://www.aardvarc.com/. They also have some great information.

Use the google search for "Power and Control Wheel." There are many things that abusive people use to exercise power and control over others. These include: using coercion and threats, intimidation, emotional abuse, isolation, minimizing, denying and blaming others, using children, male priviledge, economic abuse." They are so well explained in the wheel. There is also an "Equality Wheel." This explains what good and healthy relationships should be. These include negotiation and fairness, responsible parenting, economic partnership, non-threatening behavior, trust and support, respect, honesty and accountability, shared responsibility.

The cycle of abuse usually happens in three stages. In the tension building stage, it's really about a lack of self-control. Minor things might happen, such as verbal abuse. The next stage is a serious incident where the abuser becomes overwhelmed with rage and again, loses control. The last stage is the honeymoon stage, where he says he'll change, he's sorry, he'll never do it again. There are many things that take place for each person in each stage of abuse.

There are four psychological stages of Battered Women Syndrome. Denial, guilt, enlightenment, and responsibility for her life.

Again, if you are going through any abuse, please contact your local shelter or the national domestic violence hotline.

More from Me...

Have you ever heard of Tracey Thurman? Her true story of Domestic Violence was horrific, and it was made into a movie. It's called "A Cry for Help: The Tracey Thurman Story." Nancy McKeon is in it, and I've only seen bits and pieces of it. It is powerful and sets you a little on edge. (1989)

Of course, I'm sure you've heard of "Sleeping With the Enemy" with Julia Roberts. Even though it isn't based on a real story (that I know of), it's powerful and emotional, too. (1991)

I don't know if it's true, but have you heard of "Rule of Thumb?" It meant that a wife was subject to her husband, and he could beat her if the object was no longer than his thumb. I've heard it's true, and I've heard it's a myth...

Sisterhood

If you have found my blog, you are either interested in Domestic Violence prevention, have been through an abusive relationship, are going through an abusive relationship, or know someone who is going through one and needs some help.

All of the details of our journeys are different, but the basic outline is the same... you meet someone, he seems great, he begins possessing you, he cuts you off from friends and family, he blames you when abuse occurs, he claims that he loves you and wants you to forgive him when it happens, he swears it will never happen again, things are okay for a while, and then the cycle starts over again.

Where do you go? Who do you trust? What can you do?

There are so many places out there for women to go, but not all of them will be beneficial to you and your situation. However, after working at a shelter, I do know there are people out there who are very concerned for the well-being of abused women and children. If you or someone you know needs help, please call your local domestic violence hotline. They will be able to point you in the right direction.

For all of us who bear the scars of relationship violence, we are a Sisterhood, and we will survive.