The Summer Months

I spent a few weeks going back and forth from my apartment to his because I think I knew that I didn't really want to live with him. I spoke before about him not wanting to be with me but not letting me go. If the truth be told, I think I felt that way, too. It was like some sickness that we couldn't get over.

Not only did he have a drinking problem, a faithfulness problem, another kind of addiction problem, and a violence issue, he also had a loaded gun. I mentioned this before, but the gun really started coming into play that summer.

When we were there at his apartment one summer day, his telephone rang, again before caller ID and everything we have now. When he answered it, he didn't tell me who it was, but I saw the smile on his face, and I heard the words he said to HER because I was sitting right there! It was Cindy, his first girlfriend. Obviously, this relationship was not over.

I'm afraid I might have said and done some inappropriate things at that point, and I know I picked up the loaded gun. I wasn't going to do anything with it, but he thought I might. Of course, he just kept on talking to her, and then he got mad at me when he hung up.

You know, looking back at all of this, I seriously can't believe I thought so little of my own worth that I would stay with someone who didn't love me. He never loved me because all he knew how to do was use me. And I let him. I don't know why I did that, and I wish I never would have. However, all these things made me into the woman I am today, and I think I'm okay now. I'm grateful that I do not have him for my husband now. Actually, I know that he would have killed me by now, so I would be gone. I wouldn't have had my kids, and I wouldn't have known what a real marriage is.

So really, I'm just grateful to be alive and be able to live my life with some joy and happiness. I am a very blessed woman. No matter the pain that has come into my life at certain times. God has always been there to protect me.

I gave up my little apartment before my lease was over and ended up owing a couple of months rent to the complex. Just one more ridiculous expense because of this relationship I HAD to have. Then, at the end of the summer, we moved to the opposite side of town closer to his family. I was glad to move over there because we spent a lot of time with his family. I really adored his mom. She always treated me so well, and she never really knew exactly what went on between the two of us.

I got a part-time job in addition to my full-time job, and he got a part-time job during the time I was working mine at night. Things looked like they might be looking up, at least financially, for us. I went to work in the morning, went home and got him, dropped him off at work, went to work, and we rode home together. These were the days I didn't go to bed until 1 or 2 in the morning and got up around 6. I wasn't getting much sleep at all, and I was getting run down.

Now, I didn't know what was actually going on while I was at work in the evening. He worked at a video arcade. And he conveniently "forgot" he had a girlfriend he lived with while he was there. And guess what else happened?

His very first girlfriend from high school started going into the video arcade, and let's just say they picked up where they left off. There in the arcade, his place of employment. And unbeknownst to me. I'm just going to work at 2 jobs while he's messing around with a part-time job. Seriously?

Summer was over, the jobs were just getting started, and I was getting tired. Really tired.