Transferring Your Emotions to Someone Else Does Not Help!

My friends, J & S, who set me up with K on New Year's Eve, had another friend, S, who lived in my apartment complex.  In fact, he lived right across the parking lot from me.  We sat and talked a lot.  He had recently been divorced, too.  He was going to ride with me to look at the new place that my friend had found for us to live in.  He came over early on New Year's Day, and we went to see it.

It was nice having a guy friend who didn't really expect anything from me.  He was single, but there were no indications of romance between us.  A no-pressure relationship.  Just what I needed at that point.

Even though Don was still calling me, I tried to stay away from him as best I could.  I tried some counseling, but it wasn't helping me.  I should have contacted another counselor, but I didn't.  I just stopped going.

My friend, M, and I were still going out to the bar each weekend.  There was this guy there that I thought I liked.  Looking back, I seriously wonder why I would.  I think I was just desperately wanting someone to care about me.  He and I were just friends, but at times, I believe he led me on.  That should have been okay for me, but because of my past, I wanted to believe it could be something more than it was.

This was before the Internet really became widespread, but I got involved with a singles meeting singles deal in a magazine, too.  I had a date with a very nice guy, but it was when I was started to become more ill than I had ever been in my life.  That winter/spring was horrible for my health, but I was working two jobs and going out when I could.  My average hours of sleep each night was probably four.  Maybe.  The night I went out with him (it's terrible, but I can't even remember his name), I was so sick that I couldn't even hear him when he was talking to me, and my voice was almost gone.  Not a good scene.  He did call me back, but I told him that I just couldn't go out with him again because I wasn't over Don yet.

I had a lot more heartache during those months, too.  And I did things I would not normally do.

My roommate and I started not getting along.  I don't think it was her fault, but I tried to blame it on the difference in our beliefs about abortion and a bunch of other stuff.  It was me trying to make excuses to get out of living there.  I wasn't there much, and I spent most of my time at the other end of town, and I wanted to move over there.

Strangely enough, Don helped me move, along with my other guy friends.  Strange.  Weird.

He was now living with Cindy at her duplex, and I didn't see much of him.  However, he did call me on the phone, though.  And I did see him occasionally.  For some reason, he wouldn't let go of me, and let me live my life.

After I moved into the new apartment, there was a strange peace coming into to my life.  I didn't go out much anymore, and I was really trying to get my life together.  The new apartment was in the same complex, actually right across the sidewalk, as my very first apartment.  It was like my life was coming full circle. 

It was also strange when I found out that a couple of my friends were actually interested in ME, not my friend.  Of course, I was not interested in anything other than a friendship with them, and that is what we had developed. 

That summer, I spent a lot of time with ME.  I started seeing things about myself that I had forgotten.  Even though Don was in and out of my life, especially when he was drunk, he didn't have the 100% power he used to have in my life. 

He did show up at my apartment drunk in the middle of the night once, parked his motorcycle on my doorstep and passed out.  After he left in the morning, my dad called and asked if he was at my apartment because Cindy had called my parents and told them that she thought he was with me.  I said he wasn't there, but I didn't offer that he had been there.  I was pretty hacked off, though.  I told both of them to stop dragging me into the middle of their fights.  It was coming to the point where I didn't want any part of it.

I think I was starting to get over it in some small way.

I was going to go out of town for work, and  Don agreed to keep the dogs.  He was the dog-sitter when I needed him to be.  We were almost becoming friends more than anything else.  The fact that he was with Cindy wasn't bothering me too much anymore.  That's not to say that there weren't times when I felt guilty that I left him because there were those times.

The day I was getting ready to leave and take the dogs over to their house, he called to let me know that he had been in a terrible motorcycle accident that would have left him dead if he hadn't had a helmet on.  When I did see him, he looked horrible.  But I didn't feel guilty then.  He was making these stupid decisions, and I was actually thankful that he wasn't my husband any longer.

One day that summer, I decided to go back to my old church again.  A lot had happened in the 6+ years I had been gone, and many people knew about what had gone on in my life during this time.  And they prayed for me.  I think they probably didn't believe anymore that anything would change for me.  Imagine their surprise when I showed up at church that first Sunday morning!  It was great.

And I also enrolled in college part-time.  I was going to begin pursuing my dream of becoming a teacher!  That was so exciting to me because my life had been on hold for so long.  I felt like I had been waiting for something to happen, and all those years had passed by with nothing to show for it.

I had sold my truck that spring, finally, so I didn't have to work two jobs.  That was also helpful to my life.  I was still working at the insurance company, and I was a better employee after my divorce and move.

I spent my time trying to get good grades in my classes instead of wondering if and when Don would call me.  I was letting go little by little.  Unfortunately, he still had a way of emotionally abusing me when he wanted to.