Leaving is the Easy Part... Staying Gone is Hard

I went to the new apartment with the moving truck, and really, the apartment was probably the nicest place I had lived in the past few years. It had this great new mauve carpet (yes, it was the 80's!), and a cedar wall when you first walked in the door. And the best part of all of it was that it was MINE. I didn't have to worry about someone throwing me through the wall there.

After getting some things done there, I went to my parents' to get the dogs and my laundry. My parents were very relieved that I finally got out of there, and I was, too. There was a part of me, though, that was panicking because I had just left behind everything I knew. I was getting nervous thinking about what might be going on in the old place, like some wild party or something.

I had spoken with the landlords before I left that day and told them what was going on. It was really the first time I had told people I didn't know well that my husband beat me. They were going to let me out of the lease (he wasn't even on the paperwork because he didn't have a job), but I had to forfeit the deposit. Oh well, this happened all the time to me. I told them we would fix the wall, too.

After leaving my parents, I went over to the old place. It wasn't far from their house. He and B were sitting in the living room, and he wouldn't answer the door. He just ignored me ringing the bell (I left my keys). I could tell he was pretty angry, but I think he was relieved, too. He obviously did not want to be married to me or anyone. If he would have cared, he wouldn't have cheated on me over and over again.

I went back to my apartment and didn't get a lot of sleep. I think I cried a lot.

It's really weird when you leave a situation like that. 50% of you is totally relieved, but the other 50% of you is scared, panicked and you don't really know where to go from there. It's like being on a scale with 50% on one side and 50% on the other side. Every now and then, 5% goes to the other side, and you start leaning towards going back. Then, reason gets a hold of you, and 10% goes to the other side, and you said there is no way you will go back...unless he... (fill in the blank).

I think it takes a long time for your life to become what it's really supposed to be. You have your love, obsession, whatever you might call it, for this person who has systematically attempted to destroy your life and everything you hold dear. And then you have this part of you who wants to rise up and stand up for yourself and your beliefs and protect whatever you have left and start building on it.

I was a mess. One of my friends who got laid off when I did at the Savings and Loan had a newborn baby, and went over to her place and rocked that baby a lot during this time. It was great therapy for me because I realized that having a baby could finally become my reality. I could have a good life with a good man, and it would change my life. Now, my friend's life was really no piece of cake, and they guy she was with was a juvenile delinquent. Seriously...

Don and I cleaned the duplex together, and I found out that he had invited women over to, well, you know, after I left. He was in the middle of his downward spiral. The morning I went over, I can't even believe this, I started drinking beer in the morning. Early. And I cried. Finally, around 10 or 11am, I was finished, and I left and went home to bed. It was all I could do.

And there he was, begging me again for another chance. He was probably scared of what he was going to do, but I told him no. I think I held up fairly well some of the time, but I blew it other times. After all, he was still my husband. I still felt something for him, and I called it love at the time. Now, I think it was pity.

He went to stay with our friend (who was our rescuer) and her sister in their apartment. My parents gave me the money for a retainer fee for an attorney. I filed the papers, and he was served. He called my answering machine over and over again, crying, trying to get a hold of me. I don't think he thought I was serious about this. I had to get away from this situation that was sucking the life out of me.

My friend (B's ex-wife) and I decided to spend Labor Day weekend in Kansas City together. We hadn't spent any time together since all of these things happened. In fact, she wasn't really talking to me for a while. I called her after I left, and we had a good conversation and decided to meet up and spend the weekend doing something fun. I had met a guy when I was out one night, and he and his friend were going to take me and my friend out for a night on the town. I can't even believe now that I would do something like that because it's dangerous! Good grief.

My friends lived there, and we were going to stay at their house while they stayed at my apartment because they were visiting relatives there. I know...it was strange!

We think the guys drugged my friend, but I didn't drink at all that weekend. I had to stay in control and coherent because the rest of them were messed up.

When I got back in town, I made sure to stop by Don's place of work. He finally got a job, and I had to rub it in about having a good time WITHOUT HIM. He was very upset, and he called me constantly that night. I tried to go to bed early, and he kept calling and calling. I finally agreed to him coming over after he got off work, and he spent the rest of the night at my apartment.

He had begun his web of getting me to go back to him. You know, if he didn't want me anyway, why would he keep trying to get me back? So, he must have wanted me, right?

We started seeing each other on a consistent basis, and he was being decent to me, not showing any type of violence. He only showed remorse for what happened, and he kept saying he wanted me back. He was just were I wanted him, but I didn't really know if he was what I wanted. But I kept playing the game with him.

He asked me to move in with him in his new place, and I thought about it. I said I would.

You might be reading this and think, "Are you crazy?"

And I would answer that I probably was.

Fortunately for me, God was still watching out for me. In going back to him, I would have been destroying my life. And I knew that, but I kept thinking that maybe he had changed somehow. Maybe I hoped that he had, but I knew that he hadn't.

I never got fully moved in with him because I was stopped by reality.