Domestic/Relationship Violence: The Last 20 Years

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

The Last 20 Years

I have come a long way since those days. More than 20 years has passed by since I was caught in this life. Sometimes it seems like yesterday, and other times, it seems like a lifetime ago. In fact, sometimes it seems that I am talking about someone else's life instead of my own.

My husband and I have been married for 20 years this August. Because of this time of my life and his former life, we have not always had the most healthy relationship. We are much better than we used to be, though! I recently heard that what happens in your life is 20%, and what you do about it is the other 80%. That is so true.

What is your reaction when trouble comes? It WILL come. James tells us this in the first chapter. We are to consider it "pure joy" WHEN we face trials "of many kinds." "For the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you will be mature and complete, not lacking anything." He also admonishes us to ask God for wisdom if we need it, and He will give it to us if we believe and not doubt. In 1:12, he says this. "Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love Him." (NIV) I want to be that person who stands.

God has been faithful to me always. I have not always been faithful to Him. I have been better about this over the years. Now, I can look back and be 100% sure that God has always loved me and has a plan for my life. When I stepped away into that life of hurt, lies and violence, I could have died. That was not God's plan for my life, though, and He steadily pulled me out of the muck and mire and gave me a place to stand. Psalm 40:2 says this, "He lifted me out of the pit of despair, out of the mud and the mire. He set my feet on solid ground and steadied me as I walked along." (NLT)

That is the real story of my life. And I am grateful that He has used what the enemy of my soul meant for harm to make me into the masterpiece of His heart. Ephesians 2:10 says this: "For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago." (NLT)

Thankful doesn't even begin to describe how I feel today.

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Did You Know That....

(I have found out this information from a variety of sources)

Three to four million women are beaten each year in the United States and is the leading cause of injury to women between the ages of 15 and 44.

Approximately 5% of victims of spousal abuse are men.

You should have a safety plan if you are in an abusive relationship. This is different for each person, but it's your plan on how you are going to protect yourself, your kids, etc. You can use this website: http://www.aardvarc.com/. They also have some great information.

Use the google search for "Power and Control Wheel." There are many things that abusive people use to exercise power and control over others. These include: using coercion and threats, intimidation, emotional abuse, isolation, minimizing, denying and blaming others, using children, male priviledge, economic abuse." They are so well explained in the wheel. There is also an "Equality Wheel." This explains what good and healthy relationships should be. These include negotiation and fairness, responsible parenting, economic partnership, non-threatening behavior, trust and support, respect, honesty and accountability, shared responsibility.

The cycle of abuse usually happens in three stages. In the tension building stage, it's really about a lack of self-control. Minor things might happen, such as verbal abuse. The next stage is a serious incident where the abuser becomes overwhelmed with rage and again, loses control. The last stage is the honeymoon stage, where he says he'll change, he's sorry, he'll never do it again. There are many things that take place for each person in each stage of abuse.

There are four psychological stages of Battered Women Syndrome. Denial, guilt, enlightenment, and responsibility for her life.

Again, if you are going through any abuse, please contact your local shelter or the national domestic violence hotline.

More from Me...

Have you ever heard of Tracey Thurman? Her true story of Domestic Violence was horrific, and it was made into a movie. It's called "A Cry for Help: The Tracey Thurman Story." Nancy McKeon is in it, and I've only seen bits and pieces of it. It is powerful and sets you a little on edge. (1989)

Of course, I'm sure you've heard of "Sleeping With the Enemy" with Julia Roberts. Even though it isn't based on a real story (that I know of), it's powerful and emotional, too. (1991)

I don't know if it's true, but have you heard of "Rule of Thumb?" It meant that a wife was subject to her husband, and he could beat her if the object was no longer than his thumb. I've heard it's true, and I've heard it's a myth...

Sisterhood

If you have found my blog, you are either interested in Domestic Violence prevention, have been through an abusive relationship, are going through an abusive relationship, or know someone who is going through one and needs some help.

All of the details of our journeys are different, but the basic outline is the same... you meet someone, he seems great, he begins possessing you, he cuts you off from friends and family, he blames you when abuse occurs, he claims that he loves you and wants you to forgive him when it happens, he swears it will never happen again, things are okay for a while, and then the cycle starts over again.

Where do you go? Who do you trust? What can you do?

There are so many places out there for women to go, but not all of them will be beneficial to you and your situation. However, after working at a shelter, I do know there are people out there who are very concerned for the well-being of abused women and children. If you or someone you know needs help, please call your local domestic violence hotline. They will be able to point you in the right direction.

For all of us who bear the scars of relationship violence, we are a Sisterhood, and we will survive.